An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
