...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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