Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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