i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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