I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
