Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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