I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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