Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
