My liver just broke up with me...
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
