the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
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