there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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