Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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