who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
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