Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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