i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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