so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize