I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
