if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
We need to rekindle our bromance
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
