I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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