yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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