Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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