In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
