I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize