Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I got her a Nickelback box set.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Randomize
