Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
he fucked my hip out of place.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
