so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
