Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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