the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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