i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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