im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize