Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Randomize
