omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
You took a bar mat shot.
3pm strippers are depressing
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
