You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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