Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
