I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
