I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
