It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize