I want to make a zoo with you.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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