i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
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