Little spoons don't ask big questions
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
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