My friends, they love my intelligence
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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