god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
