Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Randomize
