If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
When did angry sex become our thing?
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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