the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
