it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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