I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
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