My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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