I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
