it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I am one with the molecules
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
