I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize