I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
