Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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