Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
Randomize
