Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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