we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
