They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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